But you don’t look autistic...

When I tell people I’m autistic, I often get the response, “Oh, you don’t look autistic.” It’s usually said with good intentions, but it can feel dismissive and makes me question why people still think autism has a “look.” Autism doesn’t present the same way for everyone, yet society still holds onto stereotypes that overlook the diversity within the spectrum, especially when it comes to females.


What “You Don’t Look Autistic” Feels Like


Hearing “You don’t look autistic” isn’t just frustrating; it’s invalidating. It implies that someone’s preconceived image of autism doesn’t match me, as if I’m not “autistic enough” to fit their mould. This idea that autism should look or act a certain way ignores the reality that autism is incredibly varied.


As an autistic female, I already face enough challenges being understood. This comment makes me feel like my experiences are invisible or less valid. I’m constantly managing sensory sensitivities, social expectations, and often masking to blend in, but when someone dismisses my autism, it’s as if these daily struggles aren’t real.


How Autism Often Looks Different in Females


One reason people may not recognise autism in women like me is that we tend to mask more often. Masking is the effort to appear “normal” or to fit in by suppressing natural behaviours or mimicking social cues. While this might help us navigate social situations, it’s exhausting and can even lead to burnout.


Girls and women with autism have often been overlooked in research, meaning our traits are less known. We might be more socially motivated than autistic men, more attuned to subtle details, or highly empathetic. I’m passionate about specific interests and can dive deep into learning about them, which gives me a unique perspective and drive. These traits aren’t usually what people associate with autism, which leads to misunderstandings.

Embracing the Strengths Autism Brings


My autism is a part of me, and it brings some unique strengths. I often have a deep focus, a strong sense of loyalty, and an ability to think creatively in ways others might not. I can notice small details that others miss, which can be an advantage in so many situations. Autism has given me these traits, and they’re part of why I love who I am.


When people acknowledge my autism, they aren’t just seeing my challenges they’re seeing my abilities too. It feels good when people recognise the unique insights I bring instead of trying to fit me into a stereotype.


How We Can All Make a Difference


If someone tells you they’re autistic, a supportive response could be, “Thank you for sharing that” or “I’d love to learn more about your experiences.” These responses are inclusive welcoming, and allow us to feel seen for who we are. Breaking down stereotypes doesn’t happen overnight, but every conversation that makes space for understanding gets us closer.


Living as an autistic female means I’m constantly navigating people’s misconceptions. But with time, I’ve learned to value my strengths and advocate for greater understanding. Autism isn’t a “look” it’s a part of who I am. And while people may not always see my autism, I hope they see and accept the real me beyond the stereotypes. Be kind and aware of how you treat people just because someone doesn’t “look autistic” doesn’t mean that they are not.

Phoebe Crossley, Cohort 41 Apprentice at Rochdale Primary Care